Find Answers to Your Questions ~ the body: a home for love Community

Question 1

I wrote about my story before, but I left out something that also causes me guilt, shame and disgust. When I was little (between 6 and 8 years old), I saw my parents having sex in the same bed where I was sleeping. I could see and hear everything because they had the light on. Years later, during my teenage years, I sometimes used those images from my memory to masturbate. This makes me feel like I'm a sick person. Is there something wrong with me? I feel very ashamed.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us. What you experienced wasn't your fault, and your later reaction doesn't indicate that there's something wrong with you. What you're describing is a completely understandable response to an experience you should never have had as a child.

When children are exposed to adult sexual activity, this is considered a form of sexual abuse called "inappropriate sexual exposure." Even though your parents may not have intended to harm you, this exposure can create what trauma specialists call "traumatic early sexualization." Your child brain stored these images before you had the cognitive development to process them in a healthy way.

During adolescence, when your sexuality began developing naturally, your mind drew upon the only concrete sexual images it had available. This is a normal neurological response, not a conscious choice or a reflection of your moral values. Early sexual trauma can create confusing connections between sexual arousal and disturbing memories, which is a survival response of the brain, not a personal failing.

The feelings of shame and disgust you describe are common reactions to sexual trauma. Many people who have lived through similar experiences carry these feelings without realizing they are normal symptoms of having been exposed to something inappropriate during their development. Your ability to recognize these feelings and seek answers shows strength and self-awareness.

It's very common for people who had inappropriate early sexual exposure to experience exactly the feelings you describe: guilt, shame, and confusion about their own normal sexual responses. These feelings are valid, but the shame you feel belongs to the inappropriate situation you experienced, not to you as a person. Your sexual response during adolescence was a normal function of development, even when the images came from a problematic experience.

Healing is possible. A therapist who specializes in sexual trauma can help you process these experiences and develop strategies for managing difficult feelings. You deserve to live without this burden of shame. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 2

I developed OCD a few months ago related to false memories and sexuality, which I believe is a consequence of trauma. My memory was affected by past experiences and now I have intrusive thoughts accompanied by "groinal response" - an uncomfortable physical sensation in my intimate area that I also experience in situations of anxiety or discomfort. Could you explain more about this physical reaction and why it might be confused with arousal? I'm embarrassed to admit it, but it even happens when I read stories that generate anxiety for me.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing something so personal and confusing. What you're describing is a very common experience among trauma survivors and people with OCD, especially when there are themes related to sexuality.

The "groinal response" you mention is an involuntary physical reaction that many people with OCD experience. It's important to understand that when we talk about "arousal" in physiological terms, it doesn't always refer to sexual arousal. Your body can experience physiological arousal due to stress, which is simply the state of alertness or activation of the nervous system, without any sexual connotation.

When you experience anxiety, intrusive thoughts, or situations that generate discomfort, your autonomic nervous system activates. This system controls automatic bodily functions including heart rate, digestion, and yes, sensations in the genital area. The "fight or flight" response can cause a variety of physical symptoms: increased heart rate, sweating, muscle tension, and heightened sensitivity in various parts of the body, including the genitals.

The pathways in our brain that process anxiety and those that process physical sensations are closely connected. Intrusive thoughts of a sexual nature, even if they are unwanted and cause you distress, can trigger physical sensations simply because of how our nervous systems are wired. This doesn't mean that you're actually feeling sexual desire or arousal-- it's an automatic bodily response that you don't have control over.

Trauma can make our nervous system more reactive, and OCD can make us pay more attention to these sensations and give them more meaning than they actually have. It's completely understandable that you feel embarrassed, but these reactions are involuntary and don't reflect your true feelings, desires, or intentions.

Your ability to identify these patterns and seek understanding demonstrates tremendous self-awareness and strength. Be gentle with yourself and remember that you're taking positive steps by seeking information and support. Consider working with a therapist specialized in trauma and OCD who can help you better understand these responses and develop strategies to manage both the intrusive thoughts and the physical reactions that accompany them. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 3

As a child, I experienced sexual abuse and repeated exposure to sexual content from a very young age. During my adolescence, I sometimes used these memories for stimulation, and once I became aroused by explicit video content. I feel tremendous guilt about these reactions and wonder if it's possible to forgive myself. I also notice that certain sounds arouse me and don't know if this is normal. Is it possible to heal from this guilt and understand these reactions?

Accepted Answer

I want to begin by telling you that your ability to reflect on these experiences with such honesty requires extraordinary courage. What you describe are completely understandable responses to early trauma and premature sexual exposure.

When children are exposed to sexual content or experiences before being developmentally ready, the brain stores these experiences in complex ways that can influence physical and emotional responses years later. Your body learned to respond to certain stimuli during a critical developmental period, and these neurological responses don't reflect something "sick" in you--they reflect how your nervous system adapted to experiences you shouldn't have had to process as such a young child.

Without proper guidance or appropriate sexual education, it's natural that you tried to make sense of these experiences in the only ways you knew how. The sexual responses you had as a child and adolescent are actually predictable reactions to premature sexual exposure and abuse. When children are sexually abused or exposed to adult sexual content, they often exhibit what professionals call "sexual behavior problems" to make sense of confusing experiences and sensations they weren't developmentally ready to understand. Children often mimic behaviors they've seen without fully grasping their meaning, especially when they've been exposed to inappropriate material or abuse.

It's important to understand that physical arousal is an involuntary nervous system response. The fact that your body responded to memories or visual content doesn't make you complicit in your own trauma, nor does it mean you enjoyed the abuse. Many survivors experience confusing physical responses that can generate deep shame, but these reactions are symptoms of trauma, not evidence of guilt. Feeling guilt or shame about using memories from childhood as a source of arousal during adolescence is a common experience for survivors of early exposure to sexual content. Your brain was trying to make sense of sexuality using the only references it had, even if they were inappropriate.

Regarding the sounds you mention, it's common for early trauma to create neurological associations that persist into adulthood. Your brain formed connections during experiences you couldn't fully process as a child, and these connections can trigger involuntary physical responses. It's also important to understand that being aroused by certain stimuli, such as sexual sounds, can be a normal response. Human sexuality is complex, and our bodies and minds can associate arousal with various stimuli based on our experiences. This doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. Arousal responses are often automatic and don't reflect your character or morality.

Self-forgiveness is not only possible, but it's an act of justice toward the child you were. That child didn't choose any of these experiences, and the adolescent who tried to understand confusing sensations and impulses was navigating the consequences of trauma without the necessary tools or support. The feelings of guilt you're experiencing are understandable, but it's important to recognize that you were a child and later an adolescent trying to navigate complex situations without adequate support or understanding. Self-compassion is a vital part of healing. The guilt you feel belongs to the adults who failed to protect you, not to you.

Healing from this guilt is a process that can benefit enormously from support from a therapist specialized in childhood sexual trauma. Therapies like EMDR or somatic approaches can help you process both the traumatic memories and the physical responses that create confusion. Many survivors find it helpful to speak with someone who understands trauma and can provide a safe space to explore these feelings.

Thank you so much for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 4

I feel disconnected from myself. I experienced sexual abuse when I was very young (at 4 or 5 years old by my uncles) and was exposed to inappropriate situations, which caused my memory to fragment. For months now, I've been dealing with severe OCD focused on false memories and sexuality. I have obsessive doubts about whether I became aroused while watching explicit content, and I feel overwhelming guilt and depression. I'm terrified that I might be like the people who abused me, or that I acted inappropriately in ways I don't remember. How can I cope with these intrusive thoughts and the intense guilt I'm experiencing?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out and sharing what you're going through. I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you, and I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. Experiencing abuse at such a young age can have profound and lasting effects, and it's understandable that you're grappling with these painful emotions and thoughts now.

What you're experiencing is incredibly common among survivors of childhood sexual abuse, and I want you to know that these thoughts don't define who you are. It's important to remember that the intrusive thoughts and doubts you're experiencing are not a reflection of who you are as a person. Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) can cause unwanted, intrusive thoughts that can be distressing and unsettling. These thoughts often focus on topics that are the most upsetting to us, which is why they can feel so disturbing.

Feeling guilty or worried about these thoughts doesn't mean that you are like your uncles or that you would ever harm anyone. The very fact that these thoughts distress you shows that they go against your true values and beliefs. You're not alone in experiencing this. Many people with OCD have similar struggles with intrusive thoughts.

Childhood trauma can create patterns of obsessive thinking and doubts about our own nature, especially when combined with OCD. The traumatized brain often creates confusing connections between past experiences and present responses. When you were abused as a child, your brain and body were still developing, and any involuntary physiological responses you may have had mean nothing about your character or intentions. Children don't have the capacity to consent or fully understand sexual experiences, and any bodily response was simply an automatic biological reaction.

OCD with sexual and false memory themes is particularly cruel because it directly attacks our sense of moral identity. These obsessive thoughts are not predictions about your future behavior nor confessions of hidden desires. They are symptoms of a disorder that feeds on your deepest values and greatest fears. The fact that these thoughts cause you so much distress is evidence that they go against your true values.

The guilt you feel is understandable but not based in reality. You are a survivor dealing with the complex aftermath of trauma, not someone who shares the characteristics of those who harmed you. The fundamental difference is that you feel empathy, guilt, and concern for others' wellbeing, while those who commit abuse typically lack these qualities.

Please consider reaching out to a mental health professional who can provide support and guidance, particularly one with experience in the intersections of trauma and OCD. They can help you work through these feelings and develop strategies to manage the intrusive thoughts. You might also consider medication if a psychiatrist recommends it, as it can help reduce the intensity of obsessive thoughts. Perhaps ask your medical doctor about that at your next health appointment.

You do not have to face this alone. There are people who care and want to help you navigate through this difficult time. Be gentle with yourself. Healing from trauma takes time, and it's okay to seek help along the way. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 5

When I was young, two family members sexually abused me, though my memories of this are unclear and distant. I've questioned whether these experiences really happened because the memories are so blurry. I also experienced other inappropriate sexual exposure during childhood, including witnessing adult sexual activity and accessing explicit content without guidance or education. During this time, I engaged in sexual exploration with a cousin close to my age, and I'm deeply worried that I may have initiated or influenced these interactions because of what happened to me. I also experienced an unwanted physical response while holding my baby sister, which has caused intense distress and intrusive thoughts. I struggle with severe self-blame and wondering if my childhood experiences made me harmful to others. How do I process these complex childhood experiences and the intense shame and confusion I feel about them?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. It takes immense courage to reflect on and talk about such difficult childhood experiences, especially ones that have been causing you pain and confusion for so many years.

What you've shared reflects the profound complexity of childhood sexual trauma and its lasting effects. From what you've described, it's clear that you were exposed to situations and content as a child that you weren't equipped to understand or process. Being sexually abused by family members at such a young age was a profound violation of your trust and safety, and these experiences are unfortunately common among survivors. The confusion, self-doubt, and shame you're feeling are natural responses to the trauma you endured, not reflections of your character or worth as a person.

Memory difficulties are extremely common with childhood sexual abuse, especially when it occurs at very young ages. It's common for memories of traumatic events from early childhood to be blurry or fragmented. Our minds sometimes protect us by making these memories less accessible, and the brain's memory systems are still developing during early childhood when trauma can significantly impact how memories are stored and retrieved. The fact that your memories feel distant, confusing, or unclear doesn't mean they didn't happen or that their impact isn't significant. Many survivors experience exactly what you're describing including fragmented memories, uncertainty about details, and periods of doubting their own experiences.

Witnessing adult sexual activity and accessing explicit content further exposed you to material long before you were ready to understand it. Without proper guidance or sexual education, it's natural that you tried to make sense of these experiences in the only ways you knew how. The sexual behaviors you engaged in as a child, including exploration with your cousin, are actually predictable responses to premature sexual exposure and abuse. When children are sexually abused or exposed to adult sexual content, they often exhibit what professionals call "sexual behavior problems" to make sense of confusing experiences and sensations they weren't developmentally ready to understand. Children often mimic behaviors they've seen without fully grasping their meaning, especially when they've been exposed to inappropriate material or abuse.

The interactions with your cousin were a part of this confusing landscape, and at such a young age, neither of you had the maturity or knowledge to fully understand what you were doing. The fact that you are now worried about having initiated those interactions reflects your deep sense of responsibility and care, but it's important to remember that as a child, you were not in control of the environment or the influences around you. You were navigating a world where boundaries were not properly set or respected by the adults in your life. Your deep concern about potentially initiating sexual activity with your cousin demonstrates your moral conscience and empathy. These qualities distinguish you from those who harmed you.

Feeling haunted by these memories and wondering if your childhood experiences made you harmful to others is a heavy burden to bear. However, there's a fundamental difference between the actions of an adult who abuses a child and a child's innocent exploration influenced by external factors they don't understand. You were a child trying to understand the confusing and inappropriate situations you were exposed to, not someone intentionally causing harm. Children who have been sexually abused often worry they've become abusive themselves, but engaging in age-inappropriate sexual behavior as a child victim is fundamentally different from an adult choosing to abuse a child. These behaviors don't make you responsible for your abuse, nor do they make you like your abusers.

The unwanted physical response you experienced while holding your baby sister is another example of how natural physical responses can be misinterpreted, especially when you're already dealing with guilt and confusion from past experiences. The intrusive thoughts and physical responses you've experienced are symptoms of trauma and possibly OCD, not indicators of dangerous desires or intentions. Physical sensations can occur without any malicious intent or desire, and trauma can cause the nervous system to react in ways that feel frightening and confusing, creating unwanted physical responses that have nothing to do with your actual feelings or intentions. The fact that this caused you distress and led to obsessive thoughts shows how deeply you care about not causing harm to others. These reactions are your trauma speaking, not your true self.

It's understandable that you've struggled with severe self-blame, feelings of shame, guilt, and unworthiness, but these are serious symptoms that deserve professional attention. The experiences you've had and the actions you took as a child do not define your worth as a person. You were placed in situations that no child should have to navigate, and you did the best you could with the limited understanding and resources you had at the time. You are not a bad person. You are a trauma survivor whose nervous system and thought patterns have been shaped by experiences that were never your fault.

You deserve kindness, compassion, and forgiveness especially from yourself. Healing from such complex childhood experiences can be challenging, but it's also possible. Working with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood sexual abuse can help you process these complex experiences, develop tools for managing intrusive thoughts, and rebuild a sense of safety within yourself. You don't have to carry this burden alone, and seeking help is a sign of strength and self-care.

Please know that you are not alone, and you are deserving of love, happiness, and all the good things life has to offer. Healing is possible, and you deserve support, compassion, and care - especially from yourself. Thank you again for trusting us with your story.

Question 6

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

Accepted Answer

It is not uncommon for survivors to experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, including sexual arousal. This can be especially distressing for individuals who may feel guilty or ashamed for feeling aroused in response to a traumatic event.

Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. It is a physiological response that can be triggered by a wide range of stimuli, including thoughts, memories, and sensations. In the case of sexual assault survivors, it is possible that the body's natural response to physical stimulation may be triggered by memories or thoughts related to the assault, even if these thoughts and memories are not wanted or desired.

It is important to note that experiencing sexual arousal in response to memories of sexual assault is not an indication of consent or enjoyment of the assault. It is simply a physical response that the body may have learned to make in certain situations. If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. They can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions.

Thank you for asking this tough question. You are not alone.

Question 7

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Accepted Answer

The healing process can be an opportunity to regain the control and autonomy that is often taken away during a traumatic experience. You are in the driver seat of your recovery and you decide how you want to navigate your healing and what’s best for you.

Setting goals or benchmarks is one way to measure your growth and celebrate small wins as you recover after trauma. If you choose to set goals, remember that everyone heals in their own way and in their own time.

Be patient with your progress and compassionate toward yourself. Try not to compare your own growth to someone else’s—your path to recovery is yours and only yours.

What do you want to achieve? It can help to think about what’s important to you and what inspires you. You can work on something personal (like thinking more positively) or something more tangible (like making time for friends you’ve lost touch with).

Choosing goals that are specific and measurable makes them easier to achieve. Saying one kind thing to yourself daily for two weeks is a specific and measurable goal to think more positively. You can easily track it and tell if you’ve successfully accomplished it or not.

Once you choose a goal, think about whether it’s realistic for where you are right now in your healing process. Be gentle with yourself and the benchmarks you select. It’s okay if you don’t achieve a goal you set the first time. Large goals can be broken into smaller, more easily attainable goals. No goal is too small. Keep things simple. You will get there.

It’s helpful to have a mix of both short and long-term goals. How many goals are you focusing on at the same time? Focusing your attention on 2-3 goals at a time can make it easier to keep track of them.

You don’t have to recover or set goals alone. It’s okay to reach out to people you trust. Extra support and motivation can help you achieve your goals. It’s up to you to decide who you want to involve in your recovery process, even if it’s just having someone to celebrate with.

When you accomplish a goal, take a moment to take in your achievement. Acknowledge and celebrate growth, even if it’s small. It’s proof that you are still moving forward. Healing from trauma is hard work. It is not a straight-forward or easy process. It takes time, and you may experience setbacks along the way, but you can do it.

Question 8

When I was a child, my parents repeatedly forced enemas on me. I remember screaming and begging to stop then finally giving in, freezing and dissociating. I've only recently (30 years later) had the courage to recall this memory, of which I used to have flashbacks that made me sick. My parents are nice people, but I feel like I am a survivor of a kind of sexual abuse. Can you help me understand what happened to me?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. First and foremost, I want to commend you for your bravery in confronting this painful memory and seeking understanding. Recognizing the impact of childhood experiences is a courageous step in the healing process.

What you've described - being repeatedly subjected to forced enemas despite your protests and distress - sounds deeply distressing and violating. The fact that you recall screaming, begging, and then dissociating (a common trauma response) underscores the emotional impact of these experiences.

It's important to note that without knowing your full medical history, it's unclear whether the enemas were medically necessary. In some cases, invasive procedures may be warranted for a child's health and well-being. However, even if the enemas were medically justified, your feelings of fear, powerlessness, and violation are still valid. A procedure can be both necessary and traumatic, and your emotional response and the harm associated with these experiences deserves to be acknowledged and respected.

If you feel safe and comfortable doing so, it may be helpful to share your feelings with your parents and ask for more information about the circumstances surrounding these events. Understanding the context and medical reasoning behind the enemas might provide some clarity and help you process the experience. However, it's important to prioritize your own emotional safety and only have this conversation if you feel supported and ready.

The flashbacks and physical sickness you mention are common symptoms of unresolved trauma. When our bodies and minds are overwhelmed by a distressing experience, the memory can get "stuck" in our nervous system, causing intrusive thoughts, sensations, and emotional reactivity. This is especially true for traumas experienced in childhood, when we lack the resources and context to fully process what's happening to us.

Please know that your feelings and the long-term impact of these experiences are valid, regardless of the medical necessity of the enemas. You deserved to have your boundaries and bodily autonomy respected, and it's not your fault that they weren't. It sounds like harm occurred here and you deserve to seek help to heal from that harm.

Healing from childhood trauma is a highly personal journey that often benefits from professional support. I encourage you to seek out a therapist who specializes in childhood trauma and medical trauma. They can provide a safe space to process your memories, validate your experiences, and work with you to develop coping strategies for managing symptoms. They may also be able to get into more specifics with you surrounding whether or not what you experienced was abuse.

Thank you so much for this question and I am sorry that I cannot provide more guidanc. However you define your experience, you are welcome here. You are not alone.

Question 9

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

Accepted Answer

When a loved one is going through a difficult time in their healing journey, they may look to you for support or encouragement.  However, it is important to remember that your own mental health is important too. Trauma is extremely painful and sometimes no matter what you do as a bystander, it can feel like not enough. At times like these, you may need to set boundaries to ensure that your needs are addressed as well.

Setting boundaries can be difficult, especially if you have not had much practice. First, think about what your needs and limits are. This can include the level of financial, emotional, and physical help you are willing to provide. When you are ready, share with your loved one in a calm situation, rather than in the heat of the moment. Use “I” statements to show your perspective. After you have communicated these boundaries, it is important to follow through and re-emphasize them when needed. Resist feelings of guilt. This does not mean you do not care about them.

You can also help by suggesting other means of support. Therapists or local crisis centers have experience working with people with trauma and are trained to help. You may also find these services helpful for your own processing. It is not uncommon for local crisis centers to  also offer services for loved ones of those who have experienced trauma.

Just because someone has experienced trauma, does not mean that they have a right to take their anger out on you. If you feel that you are being verbally, physically, or sexually harmed, set a limit if it feels safe, remove yourself from the situation, and seek help if you need it.

It can be difficult to help your friends if you run out of emotional or physical energy. Focusing on your own self-care is not selfish, it sometimes may be necessary. As the saying goes, put your mask on first...then offer assistance.

Question 10

I got assaulted, but I don’t really feel anything...is something wrong with me?

Accepted Answer

The short answer is...no not at all. It is quite common for survivors to feel emotionally detached or drained after experiencing an assault, perhaps even at times feeling unaware of what is happening around them. Survivors can also experience feelings of denial, disbelief, or numbness as a reaction to their assault experience. These reactions should never be confused with "not caring" or with the assault being “not serious.” These feelings are how our body is coping with our experience, protecting us from its intensity. The body’s reaction to stress in this way is often viewed as a survival strategy and can be useful when we have to take some action, such as getting out of a violent situation, weighing our options, or making an appointment with a professional.

It is important to note that numbness is not the only emotional shock reaction that you may exhibit. Other normal reactions include: crying uncontrollably, laughing nervously, extreme fatigue, or withdrawing. It is important to be prepared, however, that as you process your experience, the initial numbness may fade. If you would like company, surround yourself with trusted others. Or think about other strategies you can use that have helped in times of crisis in the past. No matter what you are feeling, recognize that these are normal reactions to trauma, and you do not need to face them all on your own.

Question 11

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for your question. If you have not experienced any form of gender-based harm, it might be hard to imagine why survivors who go through these horrific experiences do not always report them. Unfortunately, due to the characteristics of one's sexual harm experience, the lack of protection for survivors, and historical injustices within the criminal-legal system, gender-based violence is the most underreported crime. For example, it is estimated that 63% of sexual assaults are not reported to police and only 12% of child sexual abuse is reported to the authorities.

There are many reasons why survivors may feel hesitant to report their experience. We will list a few of these reasons below:

It is not safe for them to report the assault at this time or they fear perpetrator or family retaliation.
They want to put the incident behind them or forget it happened.
They aren’t sure that what happened meets the legal definition of sexual assault or rape.
They are in shock.
They feel shame or self-blame.
They fear not being believed or being socially isolated from friends or family
They fear being blamed.
They fear being revictimized by law enforcement or the court.
They fear that they will not receive justice.
They fear that their offender will not be held accountable.

Whatever the reason, and there are many more, remember that ultimately it is the survivor's choice whether or not they want to report their experience. For some, reporting is not necessary for their healing. Others just do not want to go through any additional trauma or heartache. Support and respect the choices the survivors in your life make related to reporting. This will make you a valuable ally as they navigate healing in the aftermath.

References

Rennison, C. A. (2002). Rape and sexual assault: Reporting to police and medical attention, 1992-2000 [NCJ 194530]. Retrieved from the U.S. Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Bureau of Justice Statistics: http://bjs.ojp.usdoj.gov/content/pub/pdf/rsarp00.pdf

Hanson, R. F., Resnick, H. S., Saunders, B. E., Kilpatrick, D. G., & Best, C. (1999). Factors related to the reporting of childhood rape. Child Abuse and Neglect, 23,559–569. doi:10.1016/S0145-2134(99)00028-9

Question 12

A few years ago, I had a memory resurface of when I was 11-12 years old. I briefly (for a few seconds) placed the back of my hand on a family friend's (5-year-old male) private area. I remember him saying 'that is my private area' and I immediately removed my hand and never did that again. I'm not sure why I did it. I had a lot of sexual curiosity at that age and exposure to pornography. No other sexual actions occurred between us, and there was no intent to do anything sexual. I think I was just curious. I spoke to a therapist who said this wasn't COCSA or any sexual crime, and that it's not uncommon. She noted that although there was an age difference, there were no sexual actions taken or force/manipulation used. Do you agree with my therapist? I'm not sure if this was a crime or just normal childhood exploration.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing this memory with us and seeking clarity about it. The confusion and concern you are feeling are completely understandable, and it shows your care for others that you're reflecting on this experience thoughtfully.

Your therapist's assessment aligns with what many professionals would consider about this situation. What you're describing appears to be a brief moment of childhood curiosity rather than COCSA or criminal behavior. Several factors support this. For example, the contact was very brief, you immediately stopped when the other child expressed his boundary, there seemed to be no force or manipulation involved, and you never repeated the behavior.

Childhood sexual curiosity is developmentally normal, even when there are age differences involved. Children often explore through touch and observation as they try to understand bodies and differences. The key distinguishing factors that separate normal exploration from concerning behavior include the presence of coercion, repeated boundary violations after being told to stop, or behaviors that cause distress or harm.

Your immediate response to his boundary-setting shows that your childhood curiosity was not driven by harmful intent. You respected his "no" instantly and completely. This is actually a positive indicator that you were engaging in typical childhood exploration rather than problematic behavior.

The exposure to pornography at a young age likely did increase your sexual curiosity, as it does for many children. However, this doesn't mean your actions were predatory or criminal. You were still a child processing confusing information you weren't developmentally ready for.

Many adults carry shame about childhood moments that seem inappropriate through an adult lens, even when those moments were within the range of normal childhood development. The fact that this memory troubles you demonstrates your moral awareness and empathy, not evidence that you did something seriously wrong. Thank you for reaching out to us. We hope this helped ease your mind.

Question 13

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this extremely difficult question. Please know you are not alone and this does not invalidate the trauma you experienced. Arousal during sexual assault is a possible, but involuntary physiological response that does not imply consent or enjoyment. Resist the feelings of shame and self-blame that you are feeling. It is not your fault and your experiences are valid.

Survivors can experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, especially if they believe they experienced sexual arousal. Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. Arousal can be caused by fear, excitation transfer, nerve stimulation, or other factors. It is possible that your body's natural response to physical stimulation was triggered during your experience, even if those feelings are not wanted or desired.

To bring forward some research, of those who report sexual violence, it is estimated that around 1 in 20 people also describe experiencing orgasm. But the true numbers are likely much higher. For example, in a 2004 review paper, a clinician reports, “I (have) met quite a lot of victims (males) who had the full sexual response during sexual abuse…I (have) met several female victims of incest and rape who had lubrication and orgasm.” This further emphasizes that this is something many people struggle with, and there is nothing to be ashamed of.

If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. I know it can feel embarassing to bring this up to your therapist, but if they have a background in sexual trauma, this is probably something they have heard before from other clients. Trained mental health providers can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions. If you feel your therapist will not understand, perhaps you would benefit from some complementary support from others who are more knowledgable about the diverse ways trauma and violence can manifest. You do not need to go through this alone.

Thank you for asking this tough question. We are here for you if you need us.

Question 14

How do I tell my parents I was raped as a teenager?

Accepted Answer

It can feel really daunting to share your trauma history with your parents. You may feel that you need to protect them. You may feel angry at them for not noticing you were struggling. You may worry they will judge you or not believe you. You may also feel some relief or hope that they will understand or support you. Whatever you are feeling. It is valid.

The first thing to remember is that your story is yours and yours alone. Whether you want to tell your parents immediately, much later, or not at all is your choice. If you’re feeling ready to tell them about what happened, here are some things to think about.

What you share about your story is completely up to you. Even if they ask for details, it may just be because they do not know what to say and want to understand. Still, just because they ask, doesn’t mean you need to say more than you planned. Example wording to use could be “I wanted to tell you what happened to me but I don’t feel comfortable sharing any details right now.”

The way you choose to tell them is also up to you. It can be in-person, over the phone, or in a letter. There are benefits and drawbacks to all options but only you know what will work for you. No matter how you choose to tell your parents, it is a good idea to set some ground rules first.

If you choose to disclose in person, timing and location is important. You want to ensure they can give you their full attention and have time to process afterwards. Thus, if they are about to run out the door, go to sleep, or are intoxicated, consider waiting for a better time. If you feel safe with your parents, choose a private, quiet place to talk. If you fear they might become angry or violent, a public location may be safer and you might want to have support on standby.

You deserve to feel heard and understood when telling your story. However, not everyone responds well to disclosures and the conversation may not go the way you hope. The parent you tell may feel many emotions. While this is normal, it can shift the conversation away from you and onto them. They may express anger, guilt, disbelief, or confusion. If they are taking up too much space with their emotions, redirect the conversation to you and your feelings.

Your parent might also express doubt or blame. This says more about them than you. Resist the urge to internalize these responses. If your parents aren't supportive, that doesn’t mean that others won’t be. Research shows finding at least one trusted support can really help the healing process.

It is also important to note that even if the conversation does go well, it can still be an emotional experience. Thus it is important to take care of yourself afterwards no matter what the outcome. There are many people out there who love and care about you. You are not alone. If you want to practice telling your story of trauma or healing anonymously, and learn from the disclosures of others, you can practice through our storysharing site. We see you. We hear you. We believe you.

Question 15

How do I understand why something triggers me?

Accepted Answer

Highly emotional & stressful experiences “trigger” a part of the brain called the amygdala. Usually, the amygdala is helpful and works to keep us safe from dangerous situations by activating a fear response.

After a traumatic experience, the amygdala can become overactive, causing fear responses even if you are not in any danger. Your reaction may be to fight, flee, or freeze, interfering with daily tasks and functioning, even if you’re in a completely safe situation.

Sometimes triggers are more obvious—like seeing violence on a tv show or hearing about it on the news. It makes sense why watching or hearing something traumatic would bring up memories or feelings from your own trauma.

Other times, triggers can feel more subtle or hard to anticipate. They can include just about anything--from hearing a song, to hugging someone, to smelling something, to the way a piece of fabric or clothing feels, or even just going to a doctor’s appointment.

While triggers can feel isolating & scary, especially when they happen in public or around other people, know that you are not alone. Over two-thirds of survivors of sexual assault report experiencing triggers.

Over time you can identify the situations that might trigger you. Anticipating these situations and learning relaxation strategies can make it easier to cope with them. While it feels good to avoid triggers in the short-term, it’s not always possible to predict all potential triggers.

Experiencing a trigger in a safe situation that does not pose danger & coping with it, can help your amygdala re-learn that these cues aren’t actually signs of real danger. This process can help decrease the intensity & frequency of triggers over time.

Many survivors of trauma or viσlence will notice an improvement in post-traumatic symptoms naturally over time. For others, these symptoms might not improve on their own & can interfere with their daily lives.

If you notice that your triggers are affecting you & not improving, you might consider reaching out to your social network for support or consider seeking professional help to navigate recovery. You know yourself best & what type of support sounds right to you.

Question 16

How can someone become an effective advocate against sexual violence?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question and for wanting to strengthen your advocacy for survivors of sexual harm. Becoming an effective advocate against sexual violence is a meaningful way to support survivors and contribute to positive change in society. Here are some ways you can start...

Educate yourself thoroughly about sexual violence, consent, and survivor experiences. This includes understanding the various forms of sexual violence, its prevalence, and its impact on individuals and communities. Stay informed about current issues, laws, and policies related to sexual violence.

Learn to be a supportive listener and ally to survivors. Believe survivors when they disclose their experiences and avoid judgmental or victim-blaming language. You never know when a survivor is listening. Understand that each survivor's journey is unique, and respect their choices in how they deal with their experiences.

Challenge myths and misconceptions about sexual violence when you encounter them. This might involve correcting misinformation in conversations, on social media, or in other public forums. Call out victim blaming when you hear it. Be prepared to have difficult conversations and to explain complex issues in accessible ways.

Support organizations working to prevent sexual violence and help survivors. This can involve volunteering, donating, or participating in awareness-raising events. Look for local rape crisis centers, domestic violence shelters, or national organizations that may need support. Quick plug: small, volunteer-led, non-profit organizations like ourselves always benefit from monetary support or volunteer support if you have gifts or talents you think align with our mission and vision. Every little bit helps.

Promote healthy relationships and consent education in your community. This could involve advocating for comprehensive sex education in schools, organizing workshops on consent and healthy relationships, or simply modeling respectful behavior in your own relationships.

Speak out against attitudes and behaviors that contribute to a culture of sexual violence. This includes challenging sexist jokes, calling out harassment when you see it, and promoting gender equality in all areas of life.

Engage with local and national policy-making processes. Write to your representatives about legislation related to sexual violence, attend town hall meetings, or join advocacy groups that lobby for policy changes.

Use your specific skills or platform to raise awareness. Whether you're a writer, artist, educator, or business professional, find ways to incorporate advocacy into your work and daily life.

Practice self-care and set boundaries. Advocacy work can be emotionally challenging, so it's important to take care of your own wellbeing to avoid burnout.

Remember, effective advocacy is often about consistent, long-term efforts rather than grand gestures. Every action, no matter how small, contributes to creating a culture that supports survivors and works to prevent sexual violence.

Question 17

My girlfriend told me that before she was with me, she was sexually assaulted. How can I help her?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for this question. We really appreciate you reaching out to find out how to best support the healing of your girlfriend. When your girlfriend shared her experience of sexual assault with you, she placed a great deal of trust in you. It's important to approach the situation with empathy, patience, and understanding.

To start, be sure to listen without judgment when she talks about her assault. If she wants to talk about it more with you, listen actively and avoid asking probing questions or pushing for details she's not ready to share. Let her know you believe her and that the assault was not her fault.

Additionally, it is important to respect her boundaries. She may have triggers or certain situations that make her uncomfortable. Be understanding and follow her lead in terms of physical intimacy and emotional discussions.

If it seems like she is actively struggling mentally or emotionally related to this experience, you may want to gently suggest the idea of seeking help from a therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. You might even offer to help her find resources or even accompany her to appointments if she wants. If she is not ready yet for external resources, respect her autonomy and let her know you are always ready to revisit the conversation if she changes her mind. Healing from sexual assault is a process that looks different for everyone. Avoid pressuring her to "move on" or heal faster than she is ready for.

Finally, it is also important that you take care of yourself throughout this process. Supporting a loved one through trauma can be emotionally challenging as you may have to manage your own emotions related to the situation. Remember, your role is to be a steady, compassionate presence in her life. Let her know you are there for her whenever she needs you, but also give her space when she requests it. Remind her of her strength and resilience. Your care and understanding can make a significant difference in her healing journey.

Thank you for this question that I am sure many others have. You are not alone.

Question 18

When I was young, my younger sibling who was 6 at the time repeatedly engaged in sexual acts with me over the course of a week. I allowed it to happen because it felt good at the time and I didn't think it was wrong. Does this count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. What you've described is a complex and confusing situation that some children face, but aren't sure how to make sense of as adults. Developmentally, it's common for children, especially young ones, to explore their bodies and engage in sexual play with other children as part of learning about their bodies and sexuality. In this vein, some degree of exploratory play between siblings is also not unusual, particularly if there hasn't been a lot of education about boundaries. However, depending on the specific circumstances, duration, and aftermath of sibling sexual play, these experiences can sometimes fall into a complex area known as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA).

There are many reasons a young child might initiate sexual behavior. In some cases, it may be a sign that they themselves have experienced abuse and are acting out what was done to them. However, even children who have not been abused may engage in sexual behavior due to curiosity, lack of boundaries, imitating something they saw in media, seeking physical closeness, or simply discovering that touching certain body parts feels good. At 6 years old, your sibling likely did not fully grasp the implications of their actions or have any abusive intent.

However, this doesn't necessarily mean the experience was harmless for you. Even when the other child is quite young and the touch felt physically pleasurable, sibling sexual experiences can still feel violating or traumatic, especially from an adult perspective. If you're struggling with distress, shame, confusion or other difficult emotions related to this memory, your feelings are valid. The events may have impacted you in ways that are worth processing with a compassionate professional.

You might consider reaching out to a counselor who has experience helping adults work through confusing or distressing childhood sexual experiences. They can provide a safe, non-judgmental space for you to explore your memories and feelings. If you feel safe and comfortable, you could also consider discussing the situation with your sibling to get a sense of their perspective and experience. They may be struggling with their own conflicted feelings and memories. However, don't feel obligated to take this step if it doesn't feel right to you.

Most importantly, remember that you were a child dealing with a situation you should never have had to navigate alone. Practice self-compassion as you reflect on and work through this experience. What happened was not your fault. Reach out for further processing and help if you need it. Thank you again for trusting us with this experience.

Question 19

Can you recommend resources and books on healing from sexual abuse?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. There are several valuable books and resources available that can support your healing journey from sexual abuse. Some books we recommend include:

"The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk explores how trauma affects the brain and body, offering insights into treating traumatic stress and new paths to recovery. It provides a comprehensive look at the nature of trauma and its impact on our physical and mental well-being.

Judith Herman's "Trauma and Recovery" is a groundbreaking work that examines the healing process of survivors and the challenges faced by those dealing with prolonged, repeated trauma. It offers a framework for understanding trauma and a roadmap for recovery, making it a valuable resource for many survivors.

"The Courage to Heal" by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis is a comprehensive guide specifically for survivors of child sexual abuse and their loved ones. It provides practical tools, exercises, and personal testimonies to support the healing journey.

For those looking to understand the broader context of sexual violence and advocacy, Tarana Burke's "Unbound: My Story of Liberation and the Birth of the Me Too Movement" offers powerful insights. Burke shares her personal journey from victim to survivor to activist, detailing the origins of the Me Too movement and exploring the importance of community in addressing sexual violence.

Chanel Miller's memoir "Know My Name" also provides a searing, eloquent account of trauma, healing, and the challenges within the justice system in handling sexual assault cases. Miller reclaims her identity after being known as "Emily Doe" in a high-profile sexual assault case, offering a profound exploration of the recovery process.

In addition to these books, online resources like the RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) and me too's Survivor Sanctuary website offer extensive information, support, and access to hotlines (RAINN) for immediate help.

Thank you for asking this question. You are not alone.

Question 20

What should I do if my partner pushes my boundaries in a way that makes me uncomfortable?

Accepted Answer

Healthy boundaries are an important part of any relationship—whether it’s romantic, platonic, or familial. As traμma survivors, boundaries are important to ensure we feel safe, secure, and able to put our well being first in relationships. This builds a strong foundation for healthy, mutually satisfying love going forward.

When a partner breaks your boundaries, it's common and understandable to feel hurt and betrayed. Consider using this situation, however, an opportunity to revisit a conversation about relationship norms.

To start, it can be helpful to communicate how you are feeling to your partner. This shares how their actions impacted you and why this boundary is important. You may also be able to better understand your partner’s intentions and feelings.

Was your partner aware of your boundary before crossing it? If your partner didn’t know, this can be a chance to clarify relationship expectations and needs. They may want to share their own boundaries too. Communication is key.

If your partner knew about your boundary, and chose to break it anyway—ask yourself why? Are they not respecting you and the limits you’ve established? Depending on the situation, this may be a red flag.

Some of your boundaries might be flexible, and you might feel comfortable adjusting them based on your partner’s needs. Other boundaries might be more rigid and set in stone—both types are important to have. You deserve to feel respected and heard in all of your relationships.

You are allowed to set limits and establish boundaries that protect you and that make you feel safe. You are allowed to expect people to respect those limits—as long as the boundaries don’t cause harm to someone else.

After experiencing abuse in a relationship, research shows that people tend to develop stricter boundaries with new partners. These boundaries typically become more flexible as trust, understanding, and mutual respect develops over time.

While it’s natural for our boundaries to evolve over time, ensuring we voice them is important to develop safety and security within a partnership.

Welcome to the body: a home for love.

Questions & Answers

What are you interested in?

Topics

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

I got assaulted, but I don’t really feel anything...is something wrong with me?

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

How do I tell my parents I was raped as a teenager?

How do I understand why something triggers me?

How can someone become an effective advocate against sexual violence?

My girlfriend told me that before she was with me, she was sexually assaulted. How can I help her?

When I was young, my younger sibling who was 6 at the time repeatedly engaged in sexual acts with me over the course of a week. I allowed it to happen because it felt good at the time and I didn't think it was wrong. Does this count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

Can you recommend resources and books on healing from sexual abuse?

What should I do if my partner pushes my boundaries in a way that makes me uncomfortable?

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

I got assaulted, but I don’t really feel anything...is something wrong with me?

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

How can someone become an effective advocate against sexual violence?

Can you recommend resources and books on healing from sexual abuse?

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

How do I tell my parents I was raped as a teenager?

My girlfriend told me that before she was with me, she was sexually assaulted. How can I help her?

What should I do if my partner pushes my boundaries in a way that makes me uncomfortable?

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

How do I understand why something triggers me?

When I was young, my younger sibling who was 6 at the time repeatedly engaged in sexual acts with me over the course of a week. I allowed it to happen because it felt good at the time and I didn't think it was wrong. Does this count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

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